Good day!
Apologies again for lack of blog - I have been vair vair busy and cannot summon up the energy to blog.
It seems we have a lot of catching up to do! I will try my best to remember everything.
It seems I may have given up blogging when I got drunk. Llody, Jizz and I went out for a night on the lash, and Llody, being a wonderful conversationalist, got talking to a random girl who works for the venue. She followed us around for most of the night, sparking off wonderings of whether or not she was barking up the incorrect tree in reference to Llody. This made us laugh a lot. However, in an intriguing turn of events, she is infact a lesbian who decided to be in love with JIZZ! Excellent. This provided much mirth.
We then put on our dancing footwear and travelled through the street in search of a nightclub. We came across the Hive, hole of Edinburgh and the place where neds go to die and drink tequilla. I got elbowed in the face and left.
We left the lesbian in the club, and then went to Opium. I saw two goths having sex under a pool table and then decided it was time I went home.
We did.
Llody: When I am drunk in a taxi with my friends, we call the taxi driver Rumplestiltskin. May we call you Rumplestiltskin?
Taxi Driver: How about Rapunzel? Heh heh.
Llody: No. Rumplestiltskin is fine.
Taxi Driver: Eh... aye, awright then. That's ten pounds ninety please.
Jodie: Jizz and I have a tenner, Llody. Do you have ninety pence?
Llody: *throws money at glass screen* Take your eleventy pounds, Rumplestiltskin! *skips off into the night*
Excellent.
Other things that we has done on our holidays:
1) Went to see The Ginge, The Geordie and The Geek. We laughed a bit and I ate an apple and got my picture taken with a cow.
2) Chris moved into the campervan and had a wank in the showers. Told us later. We were a bit sick.
3) Had another night out and watched an Indian film outside. Llody was racist and we went home with paella (not a person).
4) Went to see Naked Splendour and drew a fat, naked man. Did not see penis. Only extra skin. Did draw good pictures though.
5) Had two cupcakes. One chocolate, one carrot. Carrot was rubbish. Chocolate was yummy.
6) Wore a pretty dress to town one day. Went for lunch with Jizz and dropped tomato-covered prawns on pretty dress. Now minging dress.
7) Ugly Ginger fell down backstage. Laughed A LOT and gave myself a headache. Went for a wee and missed the bows.
8) BOUGHT A FILOFAX!
9) Got too excited about stationary.
10) Played charades with Llody. He was totally shit so we laughed at him for approx. 20mins.
11) Had a fight with a lady over a free cup of tea (if you're reading, bitch, I'm not giving you 75-fucking-p for a cup of hot water).
12) Had at least 783 crepes and nutella.
13) Took Llody to see a musical. He liked it a lot.
14) Got free ginger beer from a party bus. Ugly Ginger looked like my nan at a wedding. Tried to leave her on bus. She found us.
15) Chris peed in a lucozade bottle. It is still on shelf.
16) Discovered Chris has a Boots meal deal every day. Scorns us when we do not get one.
17) Chased a dog into a hedge. Owner turned up. Made us watch while it caught sticks. Awkward, as I had just shouted that it was shitting in the bushes.
18) Ugly Ginger bought a banana guard (we thought it was a sexual device)
19) Chris took a picture of his pubes on my camera when drunk. Found next day. Was sick.
20) Emptied wee out of campervan. Ugly Ginger spilled on shoes. Was VAIR funny.
I hope to keep entertaining you!
Love you
Toodles xx
About Me
Thursday, 26 August 2010
Tuesday, 17 August 2010
Day Five - the cow licking incident
Hello everyone!
I'm sure you're all extremely intrigued about the blog title. And don't you worry - it's a good 'un.
We were walking to get our bus yesterday morning in preparation for another full day of flyering and we walked past the field with the two highland cows in. We decided to be all touristy and get our picture taken with the cows. If you've not seen a highland cow before, I'll put a picture on my blog - they're gorgeous!
Anyway, we were standing there, posing for our photos, and a cow bent down, stuck its head through the fence, and licked ALL THE WAY up Llody's leg. It was the best moment of my life, and we were hit by a stroke of luck because I caught it on camera!! Excellent. I'll upload some Edinburgh photos up on to the blog soon.
So then we got into Edinburgh, and again went flyering on the mile. We were so hyper, that it seemed that we were physically - and mentally - unable to sell the show, so were screaming things like, 'PERFECT SHREDDER TESTER!', and 'EXCELLENT FREE BIN LINER!'
We decided to go and see a show on at C Venues called 'Sordid Lives' - it's set in Texas and centres around the death of an elderly lady who's had a sexual encounter with a young woman's husband. Sort of like a tacky Eastenders. Long story short, it was horrific - the tech was awful, for one thing. The best thing in it was a drag queen miming to Tammy Wynette, which says something, I feel.
Off we trotted to Pizza Hut. We had a lovely tea. Our other techie, Jizz, walked in on an old Chinese lady having a wee. Much laughter.
Then on with the show! We had an even BIGGER audience, and it went incredibly well. It was a huge comfort to see our tutor in the audience too - I think that gave us the support we needed. Not only that, but the Young Dads came to watch! They are the most beautiful people I think I've ever seen.
To complete a great day, we played Jenga over a couple of ciders, and fell asleep.
Keep reading, and thanks for the support!
Love you
Toodles xx
I'm sure you're all extremely intrigued about the blog title. And don't you worry - it's a good 'un.
We were walking to get our bus yesterday morning in preparation for another full day of flyering and we walked past the field with the two highland cows in. We decided to be all touristy and get our picture taken with the cows. If you've not seen a highland cow before, I'll put a picture on my blog - they're gorgeous!
Anyway, we were standing there, posing for our photos, and a cow bent down, stuck its head through the fence, and licked ALL THE WAY up Llody's leg. It was the best moment of my life, and we were hit by a stroke of luck because I caught it on camera!! Excellent. I'll upload some Edinburgh photos up on to the blog soon.
So then we got into Edinburgh, and again went flyering on the mile. We were so hyper, that it seemed that we were physically - and mentally - unable to sell the show, so were screaming things like, 'PERFECT SHREDDER TESTER!', and 'EXCELLENT FREE BIN LINER!'
We decided to go and see a show on at C Venues called 'Sordid Lives' - it's set in Texas and centres around the death of an elderly lady who's had a sexual encounter with a young woman's husband. Sort of like a tacky Eastenders. Long story short, it was horrific - the tech was awful, for one thing. The best thing in it was a drag queen miming to Tammy Wynette, which says something, I feel.
Off we trotted to Pizza Hut. We had a lovely tea. Our other techie, Jizz, walked in on an old Chinese lady having a wee. Much laughter.
Then on with the show! We had an even BIGGER audience, and it went incredibly well. It was a huge comfort to see our tutor in the audience too - I think that gave us the support we needed. Not only that, but the Young Dads came to watch! They are the most beautiful people I think I've ever seen.
To complete a great day, we played Jenga over a couple of ciders, and fell asleep.
Keep reading, and thanks for the support!
Love you
Toodles xx
Monday, 16 August 2010
This is the part where we dance
Morning campers!
Well, it was opening night last night and the average audience is meant to be 3.
We had 30!!! And, The Scotsman came to review us! It was the best it could have gone, and we really couldn't have done it without so much support from everyone, and we really are eternally grateful!
Anyway, Llody decided to show us his sex face in a rather boring moment in a bar pre-show. We questioned it, and he said "well, I can't control myself during a state of euphoria". I do love him.
We also met the Young Dads again last night, and they're coming to see us tonight, before going out for some drinks. Llody has brought his best frock to wear, and we are all very excited.
I had a crepe yesterday that had nutella in it from the C Venues bar - it was delicious! If any of you are coming to see us, go to the C Bar on Chambers Street before the show and get one - you won't regret it!
Sorry this has been a bit short, I'll do a good one tomorrow :) love you
Toodles xx
Well, it was opening night last night and the average audience is meant to be 3.
We had 30!!! And, The Scotsman came to review us! It was the best it could have gone, and we really couldn't have done it without so much support from everyone, and we really are eternally grateful!
Anyway, Llody decided to show us his sex face in a rather boring moment in a bar pre-show. We questioned it, and he said "well, I can't control myself during a state of euphoria". I do love him.
We also met the Young Dads again last night, and they're coming to see us tonight, before going out for some drinks. Llody has brought his best frock to wear, and we are all very excited.
I had a crepe yesterday that had nutella in it from the C Venues bar - it was delicious! If any of you are coming to see us, go to the C Bar on Chambers Street before the show and get one - you won't regret it!
Sorry this has been a bit short, I'll do a good one tomorrow :) love you
Toodles xx
Sunday, 15 August 2010
Day Three - Llody goes into the studio
Morning bloggies!
We had an absolute ball yesterday - mostly because of Llody. He woke himself up by making a loud, sexual noise in his sleep - God only knows what he was dreaming out. Maybe the hot man he met in the toilets, who knows. We went to Fringe Central, which is fucking MILES across Edinburgh, and sorted out all the press and marketing shizzle, before having our dinner and being general layabouts for about two hours, after our late night previous.
We also bought tickets for Showstoppers - the improvised musical - for Tuesday, so I'll let you know how that goes.
Anyway then we went to our venue to sort out some bits and bobs for opening night, and hilarity ensued. This is where I feel I must explain to you about Llody.
Llody firmly believes that he is in the cast of Chicago, and decided that he would perform a little dance number in the middle of the box office, which included the lines, "we go, into the starjumps, then Llody goes, into the studio..." And so on. This provoked much staring and annoyance from other audience members which made us laugh even more!
High and giddy from Llody's entertainment, we decided to use our C Venues passes (which get us free into C Venues shows) to go and see The Young Dads - a comedy musical duo. Ugly Ginger and I had met a cast member yestrday - a man from Boston called Micah, who, in my personal opinion, had an extremely gorgeous accent and face on him. So off we trotted, and we enjoyed them very much. So much, that we bought their CD and are going out for drinks with them next week.
Note to bloggies: their show is right before ours at 7.20pm in the same venue, so go see them and bask in their gorgeousness.
All of the team then returned to the caravan, where Llody just rambled on again with his beautiful tales of his musical life - comparing himself to Jessica Rabbit, as he pokes his leg out of his sleeping bag as she does with her dress - and a marathon length of giggling fits presented itself, rendering us useless for a good 45 minutes.
It was then time to give Chris and his lady friend - Mrs Chris - a lift home. As I am still angry from the event - and it is nearly time to alight the bus - I shall make this brief.
We got lost.
For two hours.
I cried. Lots.
I then booted them out the car and demanded they get a taxi before I killed them.
And then I went to sleep.
So here we are, on Day Four and opening night!
Stay tuned to see how it goes for Honeybus Productions, and a continued thanks for all your support and kind messages!
Keep reading!
Love you
Toodles xx
We had an absolute ball yesterday - mostly because of Llody. He woke himself up by making a loud, sexual noise in his sleep - God only knows what he was dreaming out. Maybe the hot man he met in the toilets, who knows. We went to Fringe Central, which is fucking MILES across Edinburgh, and sorted out all the press and marketing shizzle, before having our dinner and being general layabouts for about two hours, after our late night previous.
We also bought tickets for Showstoppers - the improvised musical - for Tuesday, so I'll let you know how that goes.
Anyway then we went to our venue to sort out some bits and bobs for opening night, and hilarity ensued. This is where I feel I must explain to you about Llody.
Llody firmly believes that he is in the cast of Chicago, and decided that he would perform a little dance number in the middle of the box office, which included the lines, "we go, into the starjumps, then Llody goes, into the studio..." And so on. This provoked much staring and annoyance from other audience members which made us laugh even more!
High and giddy from Llody's entertainment, we decided to use our C Venues passes (which get us free into C Venues shows) to go and see The Young Dads - a comedy musical duo. Ugly Ginger and I had met a cast member yestrday - a man from Boston called Micah, who, in my personal opinion, had an extremely gorgeous accent and face on him. So off we trotted, and we enjoyed them very much. So much, that we bought their CD and are going out for drinks with them next week.
Note to bloggies: their show is right before ours at 7.20pm in the same venue, so go see them and bask in their gorgeousness.
All of the team then returned to the caravan, where Llody just rambled on again with his beautiful tales of his musical life - comparing himself to Jessica Rabbit, as he pokes his leg out of his sleeping bag as she does with her dress - and a marathon length of giggling fits presented itself, rendering us useless for a good 45 minutes.
It was then time to give Chris and his lady friend - Mrs Chris - a lift home. As I am still angry from the event - and it is nearly time to alight the bus - I shall make this brief.
We got lost.
For two hours.
I cried. Lots.
I then booted them out the car and demanded they get a taxi before I killed them.
And then I went to sleep.
So here we are, on Day Four and opening night!
Stay tuned to see how it goes for Honeybus Productions, and a continued thanks for all your support and kind messages!
Keep reading!
Love you
Toodles xx
Saturday, 14 August 2010
Day Two - tramps, blood and rock and roll
Morning campers!
The sun has risen on day three in camp fringe - actually, it rose before we even went to bed. We had our dress rehearsal last night. Half twelve til half four. Let me tell you, THAT was an experience. First, however, we must not be keen beans and you must listen to my tales of the day.
We awoke, eager to get into Edinburgh and pick up our flyers and programmes. We had a little bit of sorting of props to do first. Ugly Ginger and I had to find some alcohol for our chav sketch, and ever so luckily, Hot Homo - our techie - found a bottle of Merlot in the van - excellent! Obviously, what with Ugly Ginger being Ugly Ginger, she had to double check this for herself, which provoked her to say, "oh thank God! Is it red merlot?" What a dick.
So then off we ventured to get the bus, our hearts bursting with anticipation and our heads filled with expectations.
First stop, to collect our bus passes for the week. Nothing interesting happened there.
Then we went to C Venues and collected our passes which get us in for free to shows at C Venues and get us cheap alcohol. Much hilarity then ensued. I shall let you into a secret - Hot Homo's real name is Lloyd. They had named him LLody. Excellent. That is now his name.
So we had a wander around the Royal Mile, seeing many interesting sights, and stopped for lunch in Hunters Square at a little cafe called Chocolate Soup.
It is here that I must express my love for all things chocolatey. But I'm sure you already knew this. I had the most beautiful chicken and vegetable soup with a chicken salad roll. I felt like the happiest person on Earth, what with all the flavours and things. AND THEN... I had a brownie. And it was no ordinary brownie. It was a chocolatey, rich, soft, sumptuous, creamy brownie, drizzled in dark and white chocolate, with malteasers and smarties on top. If I had died at that very moment, I would have died a very happy girl indeed.
Then we met Chris and our publicity and marketing manager, Posh Totty Wade. We had a wander around the Royal Mile and decided to queue for tickets to see "The Ginge, The Geordie and The Geek", a comedy trio who Ugly Ginger and I had been to see the previous year. After waiting for an hour, we discovered they were sold out. Fuck my life.
However, it wasn't wasted time. We had Ugly Ginger coin some moronic wonderings such as, "Jodie, what's a troupe? Is it three people? How d'you say it, is it troupay?"
Then we came back and did some food shopping, then headed off to rehearsal. Everything that could have gone wrong, went wrong. It is now that I come to the next segment in my blog:
Things They Don't Tell You In The Edinburgh Fringe Handbook
1) You will see a smashed beer bottle with blood pouring from it, and if Llody is there, he will say, "I didn't realise Becks was crimson."
2) There are tramps in Edinburgh. 97% of them have dogs - most often, terriers.
3) One of said tramps will be waiting in a wheelchair with a non-disabled accomplice, whilst they rake through the bins.
4) The venue you are rehearsing in is a sweaty shit tip.
5) You will argue.
6) Things will go horrifically wrong, and Ugly Ginger and I will be backstage, hiding, stuffing our faces with doughnuts.
7) If you use a fat suit in your piece, it will go missing, and you will search the venue high and low for it for hours. Only for it to be in the toilet of your campervan.
8) If you are returning from your rehearsal at 5am, Ugly Ginger will attempt to break into the caravan like a criminal, and the security alarm WILL go off.
I hope this has been a merry read. Keep reading and showing your support! Love you
Toodles xx
The sun has risen on day three in camp fringe - actually, it rose before we even went to bed. We had our dress rehearsal last night. Half twelve til half four. Let me tell you, THAT was an experience. First, however, we must not be keen beans and you must listen to my tales of the day.
We awoke, eager to get into Edinburgh and pick up our flyers and programmes. We had a little bit of sorting of props to do first. Ugly Ginger and I had to find some alcohol for our chav sketch, and ever so luckily, Hot Homo - our techie - found a bottle of Merlot in the van - excellent! Obviously, what with Ugly Ginger being Ugly Ginger, she had to double check this for herself, which provoked her to say, "oh thank God! Is it red merlot?" What a dick.
So then off we ventured to get the bus, our hearts bursting with anticipation and our heads filled with expectations.
First stop, to collect our bus passes for the week. Nothing interesting happened there.
Then we went to C Venues and collected our passes which get us in for free to shows at C Venues and get us cheap alcohol. Much hilarity then ensued. I shall let you into a secret - Hot Homo's real name is Lloyd. They had named him LLody. Excellent. That is now his name.
So we had a wander around the Royal Mile, seeing many interesting sights, and stopped for lunch in Hunters Square at a little cafe called Chocolate Soup.
It is here that I must express my love for all things chocolatey. But I'm sure you already knew this. I had the most beautiful chicken and vegetable soup with a chicken salad roll. I felt like the happiest person on Earth, what with all the flavours and things. AND THEN... I had a brownie. And it was no ordinary brownie. It was a chocolatey, rich, soft, sumptuous, creamy brownie, drizzled in dark and white chocolate, with malteasers and smarties on top. If I had died at that very moment, I would have died a very happy girl indeed.
Then we met Chris and our publicity and marketing manager, Posh Totty Wade. We had a wander around the Royal Mile and decided to queue for tickets to see "The Ginge, The Geordie and The Geek", a comedy trio who Ugly Ginger and I had been to see the previous year. After waiting for an hour, we discovered they were sold out. Fuck my life.
However, it wasn't wasted time. We had Ugly Ginger coin some moronic wonderings such as, "Jodie, what's a troupe? Is it three people? How d'you say it, is it troupay?"
Then we came back and did some food shopping, then headed off to rehearsal. Everything that could have gone wrong, went wrong. It is now that I come to the next segment in my blog:
Things They Don't Tell You In The Edinburgh Fringe Handbook
1) You will see a smashed beer bottle with blood pouring from it, and if Llody is there, he will say, "I didn't realise Becks was crimson."
2) There are tramps in Edinburgh. 97% of them have dogs - most often, terriers.
3) One of said tramps will be waiting in a wheelchair with a non-disabled accomplice, whilst they rake through the bins.
4) The venue you are rehearsing in is a sweaty shit tip.
5) You will argue.
6) Things will go horrifically wrong, and Ugly Ginger and I will be backstage, hiding, stuffing our faces with doughnuts.
7) If you use a fat suit in your piece, it will go missing, and you will search the venue high and low for it for hours. Only for it to be in the toilet of your campervan.
8) If you are returning from your rehearsal at 5am, Ugly Ginger will attempt to break into the caravan like a criminal, and the security alarm WILL go off.
I hope this has been a merry read. Keep reading and showing your support! Love you
Toodles xx
Friday, 13 August 2010
The fatty has landed
So here we are. The day has finally come. We have landed in Edinburgh at the Fringe Festival... And I have already cracked open the biscuits. Excellent.
I had to work a 7am-3pm shift yesterday morning (ugh) and then drive straight here to check in at the campsite. And for fellow fatties, I feel it is my duty to let you know that we went to this amazing little pub on the campsite called the Stable Bar that does epic food, and I had chicken and ham pie - officially Edinburgh's ambrosia.
Anyway, we checked in, set up the campervan, and Ugly Ginger, Mr. Pricklepants and I went off to see Shappi Khorshandi at the Pleasance Courtyard. And we were 15 minutes late. We missed the bus, had to leg it across Edinburgh in the PISSING rain (as I misjudged the stops and got off three to early out of fear) and had to get hurried in through the backdoor. You might think this was exciting. It was not. Anyway she was good, blah blah funny blah.
Then we visited C Venues, the building where we are performing. Officially terrified, by the way. It's just show after show. And everyone is walking about with scary faces, plugging their shows and generally being pushy. We're going to have to do this, and this is why I am glad I'm working with the ultimate force that is Ugly Ginger - pushy, ruthless and determined, she will drag the audience in by their hair. Excellent.
I shall make sure to keep you all updated with Fringe related things, food I've had and other tales.
I shall end on one thing.
Lloyd - "I want to be taken to a haggissery."
(we can get haggis, neeps and tatties for a fiver beside our venue.)
Please support us at the Fringe! I promise I will provide cups of tea and cake for well-wishers.
Toodles xx
I had to work a 7am-3pm shift yesterday morning (ugh) and then drive straight here to check in at the campsite. And for fellow fatties, I feel it is my duty to let you know that we went to this amazing little pub on the campsite called the Stable Bar that does epic food, and I had chicken and ham pie - officially Edinburgh's ambrosia.
Anyway, we checked in, set up the campervan, and Ugly Ginger, Mr. Pricklepants and I went off to see Shappi Khorshandi at the Pleasance Courtyard. And we were 15 minutes late. We missed the bus, had to leg it across Edinburgh in the PISSING rain (as I misjudged the stops and got off three to early out of fear) and had to get hurried in through the backdoor. You might think this was exciting. It was not. Anyway she was good, blah blah funny blah.
Then we visited C Venues, the building where we are performing. Officially terrified, by the way. It's just show after show. And everyone is walking about with scary faces, plugging their shows and generally being pushy. We're going to have to do this, and this is why I am glad I'm working with the ultimate force that is Ugly Ginger - pushy, ruthless and determined, she will drag the audience in by their hair. Excellent.
I shall make sure to keep you all updated with Fringe related things, food I've had and other tales.
I shall end on one thing.
Lloyd - "I want to be taken to a haggissery."
(we can get haggis, neeps and tatties for a fiver beside our venue.)
Please support us at the Fringe! I promise I will provide cups of tea and cake for well-wishers.
Toodles xx
Tuesday, 10 August 2010
Yawn and such things
Good evening readers,
Apologies for the lack of posts recently - very busy times have begun! We are well on our way to having everything ready for the Edinburgh Fringe and it has been knackering, not to mention full time work ALSO, but the less said about work work work the better, and more about fun things!
So. Last night, Ugly Ginger, Mr Pricklepants, Petit Filous Bear, Chris, Kent Fancy and I went to this Turkish restaurant last night. I had this lamb thing with mash and rice. Kleftiko I think it's called, and OH MY GOD. Waaaaaaw. It's all I can think about. We also had shisha - raspberry to be exact. Anyway, it was lovely and I got very pissed. Excellent time all around.
The chavvy flatmates kicked off last night and all. They were shouting and screaming and throwing plates, and not in a good, Greek celebratory way. In an angry, violent, I-might-kill-you way. But anyway, I can't be arsed.
Now, this has been short and slightly rude, I expect, but I am EXHAUSTED. Pinky promise I'll give you a good one soon, stalkers.
Toodles xxx
Apologies for the lack of posts recently - very busy times have begun! We are well on our way to having everything ready for the Edinburgh Fringe and it has been knackering, not to mention full time work ALSO, but the less said about work work work the better, and more about fun things!
So. Last night, Ugly Ginger, Mr Pricklepants, Petit Filous Bear, Chris, Kent Fancy and I went to this Turkish restaurant last night. I had this lamb thing with mash and rice. Kleftiko I think it's called, and OH MY GOD. Waaaaaaw. It's all I can think about. We also had shisha - raspberry to be exact. Anyway, it was lovely and I got very pissed. Excellent time all around.
The chavvy flatmates kicked off last night and all. They were shouting and screaming and throwing plates, and not in a good, Greek celebratory way. In an angry, violent, I-might-kill-you way. But anyway, I can't be arsed.
Now, this has been short and slightly rude, I expect, but I am EXHAUSTED. Pinky promise I'll give you a good one soon, stalkers.
Toodles xxx
Saturday, 7 August 2010
The aliens have landed. Thanks to baby Jesus and all his little menfolk!
Petit Filous Bear has officially published her blog. http://152daystillondonandcounting.blogspot.com/
Yes, indeedy. She is that sad.
Love you all, bloggies. I'm going to eat some biscuits in a quiet place. xxx
Yes, indeedy. She is that sad.
Love you all, bloggies. I'm going to eat some biscuits in a quiet place. xxx
OMGGGGGMGMGMGGHGHHGGH
PETIT FILOU BEAR HAS A BLOG. Hang on to yer knick-knackers - I can't tell whether this is going to be exceptionally wonderful or marvellously shit.
Stay tuned peeps.
Stay tuned peeps.
Bonsoir bloggies,
I hope you are all well. Apologies for my lack of blogging these past couple of days - I have been extremely busy and sleepy!
You see, I work at a hotel in Gretna Green, wedding capital of the UK. Do not be disillusioned and think that I know a lot about weddings, however - on the contrary. I know nowt. I work on the reception. And these past few days have been very stressful. The Brummies have officially landed in Gretna Green, with a gang of annoying, snotty-nosed, shitty little children, who, for some unknown reason, are leaving sausage sandwices ALL OVER the hotel. I found at least six on my way to make a cup of tea this morning.
Anyway anyway anyway, the stress came from these little 'wipes playing with the lift, incessantly. I come to work this morning. Cue at least seven hundred little bastards running towards me, screaming.
Jodie: "Sorry guys, could you be a bit quieter so the rest of the guests can get some sleep?"
Little shits: "Noooo, we wont to ploaaayyyy." (Me typing Brummie.)
Jodie: "I understand that, but you need to be a bit quieter because you're very loud."
LS: "Fock ooffff."
Jodie: "Excuse me, don't talk like that, I'm sure your mum wouldn't appreciate that kind of language."
LS: "Well she's not gonna heaur eet cos we're gonna plauy een the leeft."
Jodie: "It's not a toy."
LS: "Yees it ees."
Jodie: "It's not though, is it?"
LS: "Yees it ees."
Jodie: "It isn't."
LS: "Fock oofff."
Jodie: "Fine. Play in the lift. But if it breaks, don't blame me."
LS: "Foine."
So they ran away to play in the lift. And it broke. And I left them locked in it for half an hour before ringing the fire brigade. I believe that this exercise was character building, and was needed to teach them a lesson.
Their parents did not agree.
Oh well.
Fuck it.
Anyway, in conclusion, I'm tired. Partly because I work full time at child-torture. But also because of Fringe rehearsals! Hooray!
They're going extremely well. As I think I've mentioned previously, we hired an elderly man to play the main part in our show, and he is incredible! So do me a fav and book your tickets.
Now, I may seem rather pretentious here, but I want to link you a website! Kent Fancy showed me this today, and I think it's really cool. http://www.postsecret.com/ is this website where people can send in their homemade postcards with a secret of theirs on them. It's meant to be an art exhibition/experiement thingy, and I think it's pretty amazing, so I reccommend you look at it, if you have a spare 5 minutes to kill.
I am currently watching '500days of Summer'. It really is rather good - one of my favourite films actually, and it stars the absolutely sickeningly, knee-tremblingly, be sick out of my face gorgeous Joseph Gordon Levitt. Google him. And let the magic happen. I would just like to state that he is my idea of a perfect man: tall, dark, handsome, quiet, brooding, intelligent, likes good music, and is very interesting. If anyone knows of where I can find someone like him, please contact me. If you are this person (and I am aware someone like him exists) please hurry up and fall in love with me. Ta, greatly appreciated.
I'm off for now - I need to soak up JGL while I can.
Toodles, xxx
I hope you are all well. Apologies for my lack of blogging these past couple of days - I have been extremely busy and sleepy!
You see, I work at a hotel in Gretna Green, wedding capital of the UK. Do not be disillusioned and think that I know a lot about weddings, however - on the contrary. I know nowt. I work on the reception. And these past few days have been very stressful. The Brummies have officially landed in Gretna Green, with a gang of annoying, snotty-nosed, shitty little children, who, for some unknown reason, are leaving sausage sandwices ALL OVER the hotel. I found at least six on my way to make a cup of tea this morning.
Anyway anyway anyway, the stress came from these little 'wipes playing with the lift, incessantly. I come to work this morning. Cue at least seven hundred little bastards running towards me, screaming.
Jodie: "Sorry guys, could you be a bit quieter so the rest of the guests can get some sleep?"
Little shits: "Noooo, we wont to ploaaayyyy." (Me typing Brummie.)
Jodie: "I understand that, but you need to be a bit quieter because you're very loud."
LS: "Fock ooffff."
Jodie: "Excuse me, don't talk like that, I'm sure your mum wouldn't appreciate that kind of language."
LS: "Well she's not gonna heaur eet cos we're gonna plauy een the leeft."
Jodie: "It's not a toy."
LS: "Yees it ees."
Jodie: "It's not though, is it?"
LS: "Yees it ees."
Jodie: "It isn't."
LS: "Fock oofff."
Jodie: "Fine. Play in the lift. But if it breaks, don't blame me."
LS: "Foine."
So they ran away to play in the lift. And it broke. And I left them locked in it for half an hour before ringing the fire brigade. I believe that this exercise was character building, and was needed to teach them a lesson.
Their parents did not agree.
Oh well.
Fuck it.
Anyway, in conclusion, I'm tired. Partly because I work full time at child-torture. But also because of Fringe rehearsals! Hooray!
They're going extremely well. As I think I've mentioned previously, we hired an elderly man to play the main part in our show, and he is incredible! So do me a fav and book your tickets.
Now, I may seem rather pretentious here, but I want to link you a website! Kent Fancy showed me this today, and I think it's really cool. http://www.postsecret.com/ is this website where people can send in their homemade postcards with a secret of theirs on them. It's meant to be an art exhibition/experiement thingy, and I think it's pretty amazing, so I reccommend you look at it, if you have a spare 5 minutes to kill.
I am currently watching '500days of Summer'. It really is rather good - one of my favourite films actually, and it stars the absolutely sickeningly, knee-tremblingly, be sick out of my face gorgeous Joseph Gordon Levitt. Google him. And let the magic happen. I would just like to state that he is my idea of a perfect man: tall, dark, handsome, quiet, brooding, intelligent, likes good music, and is very interesting. If anyone knows of where I can find someone like him, please contact me. If you are this person (and I am aware someone like him exists) please hurry up and fall in love with me. Ta, greatly appreciated.
I'm off for now - I need to soak up JGL while I can.
Toodles, xxx
Thursday, 5 August 2010
Neil Miller's Shite Joke of the Day
A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. They sit down, and the man orders two pints - one for him, and one for the giraffe.
The barman says, "Oi! Surely that isn't wise."
The man says, "What?"
He replies, "Giving that animal a pint!"
The man says, "Oh it's fine. He can handle his drink. Two more pints, please."
They drink and drink all evening. At closing time, the man is very tipsy, but the giraffe is wasted, and falls off his bar stool.
The man gets up to leave, and the barman calls after him, "Excuse me! You can't leave that lying around here!"
The man replies, "It's a giraffe, not a fucking lion!"
The barman says, "Oi! Surely that isn't wise."
The man says, "What?"
He replies, "Giving that animal a pint!"
The man says, "Oh it's fine. He can handle his drink. Two more pints, please."
They drink and drink all evening. At closing time, the man is very tipsy, but the giraffe is wasted, and falls off his bar stool.
The man gets up to leave, and the barman calls after him, "Excuse me! You can't leave that lying around here!"
The man replies, "It's a giraffe, not a fucking lion!"
Hello readers,
Day Two of fringe rehearsals commenced today. And they were good. Not really much to say in regards to this, but to be honest, if you really care that much, read Ugly Ginger's blog. Although what I will say is this. Lunchtime was marvellous - Chris bought a cajun chicken baguette. I saw it. I liked it. I bought my own. I ate it. And boy, was I satisfied (it had cucumber on it and EVERYTHING). It's important to discuss food, as it is such a big part of my life (and most of your lives, I'd assume, considering you're still with us).
Anyway, considering that I am selling myself as an accurate reflection of the 'modern girl', I expect that I am required to discuss relationship related things. I'll quickly cover the grounds of my flatmates, as I talk about (and will be talking about) them often.
Mr Prickepants has been single for about a year. Nothing really much to elaborate on, to be honest.
Ugly Ginger has been with her boyfriend for nearly 2 years, and they are sickeningly happy. He recently moved down south and is doing a graphic design placement in London. Eurgh is all.
Petit Filou Bear was with her boyfriend for a year and a half before they split up, due to him being a cheating arsehole who didn't know how good he had it. She is now sleeping with someone on the side, fulfilling her slag potential. I am so proud.
Now, for myself! I have been single since April (please, no sympathy) after a serious relationship that lasted about a year.
Also, I would like to point out, there are NO MEN in Carlisle. Once the four of us move down to London, fingers crossed there will be some talent. I know for a fact there is some, I just have to find it.
Sorry for today's rubbish post - I am immensly tired and cannot summon up the strength to write anything of interest.
Much love bloggies, mwah xxx
Day Two of fringe rehearsals commenced today. And they were good. Not really much to say in regards to this, but to be honest, if you really care that much, read Ugly Ginger's blog. Although what I will say is this. Lunchtime was marvellous - Chris bought a cajun chicken baguette. I saw it. I liked it. I bought my own. I ate it. And boy, was I satisfied (it had cucumber on it and EVERYTHING). It's important to discuss food, as it is such a big part of my life (and most of your lives, I'd assume, considering you're still with us).
Anyway, considering that I am selling myself as an accurate reflection of the 'modern girl', I expect that I am required to discuss relationship related things. I'll quickly cover the grounds of my flatmates, as I talk about (and will be talking about) them often.
Mr Prickepants has been single for about a year. Nothing really much to elaborate on, to be honest.
Ugly Ginger has been with her boyfriend for nearly 2 years, and they are sickeningly happy. He recently moved down south and is doing a graphic design placement in London. Eurgh is all.
Petit Filou Bear was with her boyfriend for a year and a half before they split up, due to him being a cheating arsehole who didn't know how good he had it. She is now sleeping with someone on the side, fulfilling her slag potential. I am so proud.
Now, for myself! I have been single since April (please, no sympathy) after a serious relationship that lasted about a year.
Also, I would like to point out, there are NO MEN in Carlisle. Once the four of us move down to London, fingers crossed there will be some talent. I know for a fact there is some, I just have to find it.
Sorry for today's rubbish post - I am immensly tired and cannot summon up the strength to write anything of interest.
Much love bloggies, mwah xxx
Wednesday, 4 August 2010
Ugly Ginger's ear-sucking
You heard that correctly.
Ugly Ginger gets her ear sucked by Mr Pricklepants. Apparently it's comforting.
Me? This is an invasion of my sanity.
Get me out of Carlisle.
Ugly Ginger gets her ear sucked by Mr Pricklepants. Apparently it's comforting.
Me? This is an invasion of my sanity.
Get me out of Carlisle.
Fringey fringe fringe
Hello blogging world,
I feel that after our productive start to yesterday's blogging fun, in all the excitement I forgot to go into detail about the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, and as you have the decency to read my blog, I should probably fill you in, and I hope you forgive me for being so rude.
During our final degree year, Ugly Ginger and I joined forces to create a show of epic comedy proportions. We wrote a series of sketches set on a bus and decided to make them into a play, where a bus driver named John is the central character who links all the sketches. The play is set on his last day before retirement after 52 years on the buses and he tells the tale of his life and the people he's seen, thus giving us reason to perform our sketches.
And so, Route 52 was born. We performed it for a module, and got picked to perform it at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in August 2010. For those of you who are unaware, the Fringe is a massive theatre and comedy festival which runs throughout the entirety of August in the middle of Edinburgh and is where a lot of actors and theatre practitioners get their 'big break', for lack of a better phrase.
Of course, us not being humans what with big heads, I must explain that it isn't all about Ugly Ginger and myself - another show also got picked to go too, called A Perfect Honeymoon. This is where I introduce my great chums, Kent Fancy and Chris (KF is very posh, is a cake-loving lady like myself, and is obviously from the wonderful, magical place of Kent, and Chris is from Bolton. He is more commonly known by a nickname, therefore it seems inappropriate to give him another nickname, so for all intents and purposes, we shall call him by his Christian name, Chris. Sorry for my lack of imagination, folks). Their show is about a couple of newlyweds who are off on their honeymoon, and it all goes tits-up, to be honest. However, it is very funny, promise.
Anyway anyway anyway, I really think that you should search for us on http://www.edfringe.com/ and book tickets, because our shows are funny.
NOW. This is where it gets interesting (I know, hard to believe, but really I'll try and keep you interested). We had an actor called Man-With-Drill (MWD). He was quite good at the part, but to be honest, not my cup of tea (dick) and we had many a cross exchange. The long and short of it is, he pulled out of the show (excellent, really. I tried to imagine what it would feel like if the glove was on the other hand and I would have pulled out too, if I knew that I was not a very nice person).
So, Ugly Ginger and I had to find someone to replace him. We found John (he is a magical man and thus a nickname is not worthy enough for his God-like stature), an elderly gentleman from Edinburgh, and asked him to play the part. He travelled to Carlisle today and we rehearsed with him, and I can safely say that he is marvellous and MWD had better be full of sorrow and regret and apologies and be eating humble pie.
So there.
On another type of fringey fringe fringe, Ugly Ginger has asked me to cut her fringe for her, as she has been blinded in one eye by her own ginger strands of wonderment (hair, for the ones less fond of the fantastical explanations), so after a tiring day of rehearsal and bus-related activities, that is what I am doing with my evening.
Anyway, I expect one day soon I will upload a blog with some sort of content that relates to me alone in some way, but for now, night night and God speed.
Mwah xxx
I feel that after our productive start to yesterday's blogging fun, in all the excitement I forgot to go into detail about the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, and as you have the decency to read my blog, I should probably fill you in, and I hope you forgive me for being so rude.
During our final degree year, Ugly Ginger and I joined forces to create a show of epic comedy proportions. We wrote a series of sketches set on a bus and decided to make them into a play, where a bus driver named John is the central character who links all the sketches. The play is set on his last day before retirement after 52 years on the buses and he tells the tale of his life and the people he's seen, thus giving us reason to perform our sketches.
And so, Route 52 was born. We performed it for a module, and got picked to perform it at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in August 2010. For those of you who are unaware, the Fringe is a massive theatre and comedy festival which runs throughout the entirety of August in the middle of Edinburgh and is where a lot of actors and theatre practitioners get their 'big break', for lack of a better phrase.
Of course, us not being humans what with big heads, I must explain that it isn't all about Ugly Ginger and myself - another show also got picked to go too, called A Perfect Honeymoon. This is where I introduce my great chums, Kent Fancy and Chris (KF is very posh, is a cake-loving lady like myself, and is obviously from the wonderful, magical place of Kent, and Chris is from Bolton. He is more commonly known by a nickname, therefore it seems inappropriate to give him another nickname, so for all intents and purposes, we shall call him by his Christian name, Chris. Sorry for my lack of imagination, folks). Their show is about a couple of newlyweds who are off on their honeymoon, and it all goes tits-up, to be honest. However, it is very funny, promise.
Anyway anyway anyway, I really think that you should search for us on http://www.edfringe.com/ and book tickets, because our shows are funny.
NOW. This is where it gets interesting (I know, hard to believe, but really I'll try and keep you interested). We had an actor called Man-With-Drill (MWD). He was quite good at the part, but to be honest, not my cup of tea (dick) and we had many a cross exchange. The long and short of it is, he pulled out of the show (excellent, really. I tried to imagine what it would feel like if the glove was on the other hand and I would have pulled out too, if I knew that I was not a very nice person).
So, Ugly Ginger and I had to find someone to replace him. We found John (he is a magical man and thus a nickname is not worthy enough for his God-like stature), an elderly gentleman from Edinburgh, and asked him to play the part. He travelled to Carlisle today and we rehearsed with him, and I can safely say that he is marvellous and MWD had better be full of sorrow and regret and apologies and be eating humble pie.
So there.
On another type of fringey fringe fringe, Ugly Ginger has asked me to cut her fringe for her, as she has been blinded in one eye by her own ginger strands of wonderment (hair, for the ones less fond of the fantastical explanations), so after a tiring day of rehearsal and bus-related activities, that is what I am doing with my evening.
Anyway, I expect one day soon I will upload a blog with some sort of content that relates to me alone in some way, but for now, night night and God speed.
Mwah xxx
Tuesday, 3 August 2010
Neil Miller's Shite Joke of the Day
Knock knock
Who's there?
You know.
You know who?
YES! AVADA KEDAVERA!
Stay tuned for more of Neil Miller's wonderfully shit jokes. xxx
Who's there?
You know.
You know who?
YES! AVADA KEDAVERA!
Stay tuned for more of Neil Miller's wonderfully shit jokes. xxx
Losing my blogging virginity
Well hello readers/friends/stalkers/spies (if you're out there...),
My pal The Ugly Ginger has recently started blogging and I thought I'd give it a bash, so here we are. I am The Cake Chomper and I am here to offer a modern girl's perspective on all things moden, whilst throwing in odd quipps and tales regarding cake and confectionary. I fancy myself as a fat Carrie Bradshaw, with less shoes and more empty wine bottles. But that is neither here nor there. Let me explain a bit about myself.
I am 21 and living in one of Britain's many hell-holes - Carlisle. I have a pretty average family who live in an average house back in Scotland. I have a chronic passion for all things sweet and cake-like, and I am extremely guilty of indulging in one too many vodkas on a night out on the town and doing very silly things - more of this in my future blogs I expect. I live with my three insane flatmates - The Ugly Ginger (who, of course, is not ugly at all but terribly beautiful, with impeccable fashion sense and an excellent sense of humour - not to mention breasts that grew 3 cupsizes over night. Bitch), Petit-Filou Bear (my other female flatmate who seems capable of surviving on nothing but children's yoghurt and the occasional vodka) and Mr. Pricklepants (our only male flatmate, who's hobbies include walking in on us in the shower/toilet/whilst we are changing, singing opera and anything manufactured by Apple). We are... an ecclectic bunch to say the least, but we fit together like a dysfunctional jigsaw.
We met whilst 'studying' (used extremely loosely) for our Performing Arts degrees. We all arrived fresh faced and eager to begin in September of 2007. We packed our little napsacks with jazz shoes, dictaphones and complete works of William Shakespeare and went to our first lesson, shaking with anticipation and keen to perform some of the greatest plays ever written.
Instead, we met John Topping, the course leader, who was smacked off his tits from red wine and marajuana and asked us to "stand in a line... and boogie". We emptied our napsacks of our jazz shoes, dictaphones and complete works of William Shakespeare, and instead filled them with vodka, condoms and glowsticks.
The three of us were united, as we did not fit ANYWHERE. Ugly Ginger is stunningly beautiful, but ruins it for herself with her farting, burping and crude jokes, thus making her unable to be friends with pretty dancers. Mr Pricklepants is male, and... occasionally plays Fifa and things, but sings opera at the top of his voice and can put his legs behind his head, therefore he doesn't gain many invites to the pub and football. Petit-Filou bear is very pretty and smart, but has a great desire to run away with the circus and can't hold a conversation for more than 30 seconds, so no intelligent people can be arsed with her. And myself? I am none of these things, but because I am so thigh-slappingly hilarious and beautiful and kind and considerate, I took these three misfits under my wing, and we formed our little gang.
So, this is how we came to be.
Basically, I decided to start my blog to make people laugh and also as a kind of therapy, to bitch about my friends without naming their names and rant about my job. I didn't want to get a blog to be pretentious, and post links of interesting things that people should look at. If you want it, google it or something - if you're on my blog, READ MY BLOG, I'M INTERESTING!
I'm leaving out a very important fact about my life, here. I want to be a comedian. Well, I should say comedienne, technically. I have wanted to do this for nearly my whole life, as I love to make people laugh, and I think I'm quite good at it, actually. I have recently discovered that Ugly Ginger and I are really rather good at doing this together, so we decided to form a little duo, and put on a show at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this year (2010, for all you hermits and time travelers). It's about life on buses and things. It's really good and we got a first for it (up yours). I hope I'm selling it to you (book tickets on http://www.edfringe.com/ and search 'Route 52', plug plug plug).
Anyway, this is it for my little scene-setting post. I promise that next time I'll be a little less self-indulgent and write some good things. I just felt that if we were to continue on this journey together, you ought to know a reasonable amount about me, so you know what I'm saying... you understand?
I hope you will read more of my posts in the future, oh oh, and look up my pal The Ugly Ginger. She writes about what she's had for her tea. Gripping stuff.
Nighty night xxx
My pal The Ugly Ginger has recently started blogging and I thought I'd give it a bash, so here we are. I am The Cake Chomper and I am here to offer a modern girl's perspective on all things moden, whilst throwing in odd quipps and tales regarding cake and confectionary. I fancy myself as a fat Carrie Bradshaw, with less shoes and more empty wine bottles. But that is neither here nor there. Let me explain a bit about myself.
I am 21 and living in one of Britain's many hell-holes - Carlisle. I have a pretty average family who live in an average house back in Scotland. I have a chronic passion for all things sweet and cake-like, and I am extremely guilty of indulging in one too many vodkas on a night out on the town and doing very silly things - more of this in my future blogs I expect. I live with my three insane flatmates - The Ugly Ginger (who, of course, is not ugly at all but terribly beautiful, with impeccable fashion sense and an excellent sense of humour - not to mention breasts that grew 3 cupsizes over night. Bitch), Petit-Filou Bear (my other female flatmate who seems capable of surviving on nothing but children's yoghurt and the occasional vodka) and Mr. Pricklepants (our only male flatmate, who's hobbies include walking in on us in the shower/toilet/whilst we are changing, singing opera and anything manufactured by Apple). We are... an ecclectic bunch to say the least, but we fit together like a dysfunctional jigsaw.
We met whilst 'studying' (used extremely loosely) for our Performing Arts degrees. We all arrived fresh faced and eager to begin in September of 2007. We packed our little napsacks with jazz shoes, dictaphones and complete works of William Shakespeare and went to our first lesson, shaking with anticipation and keen to perform some of the greatest plays ever written.
Instead, we met John Topping, the course leader, who was smacked off his tits from red wine and marajuana and asked us to "stand in a line... and boogie". We emptied our napsacks of our jazz shoes, dictaphones and complete works of William Shakespeare, and instead filled them with vodka, condoms and glowsticks.
The three of us were united, as we did not fit ANYWHERE. Ugly Ginger is stunningly beautiful, but ruins it for herself with her farting, burping and crude jokes, thus making her unable to be friends with pretty dancers. Mr Pricklepants is male, and... occasionally plays Fifa and things, but sings opera at the top of his voice and can put his legs behind his head, therefore he doesn't gain many invites to the pub and football. Petit-Filou bear is very pretty and smart, but has a great desire to run away with the circus and can't hold a conversation for more than 30 seconds, so no intelligent people can be arsed with her. And myself? I am none of these things, but because I am so thigh-slappingly hilarious and beautiful and kind and considerate, I took these three misfits under my wing, and we formed our little gang.
So, this is how we came to be.
Basically, I decided to start my blog to make people laugh and also as a kind of therapy, to bitch about my friends without naming their names and rant about my job. I didn't want to get a blog to be pretentious, and post links of interesting things that people should look at. If you want it, google it or something - if you're on my blog, READ MY BLOG, I'M INTERESTING!
I'm leaving out a very important fact about my life, here. I want to be a comedian. Well, I should say comedienne, technically. I have wanted to do this for nearly my whole life, as I love to make people laugh, and I think I'm quite good at it, actually. I have recently discovered that Ugly Ginger and I are really rather good at doing this together, so we decided to form a little duo, and put on a show at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this year (2010, for all you hermits and time travelers). It's about life on buses and things. It's really good and we got a first for it (up yours). I hope I'm selling it to you (book tickets on http://www.edfringe.com/ and search 'Route 52', plug plug plug).
Anyway, this is it for my little scene-setting post. I promise that next time I'll be a little less self-indulgent and write some good things. I just felt that if we were to continue on this journey together, you ought to know a reasonable amount about me, so you know what I'm saying... you understand?
I hope you will read more of my posts in the future, oh oh, and look up my pal The Ugly Ginger. She writes about what she's had for her tea. Gripping stuff.
Nighty night xxx
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