I'm going to bring on a natural disaster at this rate

So today's failure level has reached a whole new level (if we are going by the last 24 hours that is, and not since I woke up this morning).

Yesterday, Petit Filous Bear and I took a stroll around the Carlisle Christmas Market. I pointed out to PFB that it was not really a market, more a few stalls with miserable sods giving out free stuff. She nodded and mostly agreed with me. We were quite bored until we reached a stand which was being represented by my workplace. I made a bit of idle chatter (as - as I'm sure you are well aware - I hate them all) and decided it was time to wander on. PFB however seemed to disagree with me and proceeded to buy some mulled wine, with which you got a free mince pie. She gave that to me, as she knows my fondness for baked goods, and I was quite happy.

UNTIL!! Hot man child's mother appeared. She works within the same company and literally appeared round the corner. I rushed my goodbyes, grabbed PFB by her mulled wine and we raced around the corner. She was alarmed and shell shocked, until I explained the situation to her. She was quite happy with my explanation and we meandered on.

In front of us appeared a cup cake stall. I would like to say that this was just mere chance but I would be lying. I had been to the "market" a few days before and sniffed out said stand. I pleaded with PFB for a cake. I said she had to buy me one as I was so poor and starving, and lucky for her (face) she obliged. We were quite a happy twosome, wandering around with our food and beverage purchases and feeling very content and Christmassy, if a little cold.

This is where the dream ended, my friends.

PFB had a hankering for mashed potato. I suggested that on the way home we stopped by Iceland and she could buy her potato. She said "Yes, what a marvellous idea. I will wait by the door in my car, give you my money and you can jog in, buy a potato and then we can go home where tea-eating can commence". I felt like I could not decline, given that she had just bought me an epic cupcake. So we pulled up at Iceland, she gave me a pound, and I nipped in.
It is here that I should point out that Cumbria has had a sort of freak snow storm. The floor was covered in a sheet of Christmassy goodness and people had been traipsing in and out with their slushy feet, making the floor very slippery and wet. I imagine you can only guess what happened next.

It happened very slowly. Like a scene from a film. I walked through the door. I turned. There, in front of me, was my goal. The potato. I only had to walk a few steps on this ice rink of a floor and I would be there, vegetable in hand, little pound coin hot in my sweaty, gloved fingertips ready to pay. Apparently, God had no such plan for me.

I fell. I fell fast and hard. Right on to my back side. There was a man behind me, looking at frozen chicken satay. He was in no position to judge, but JUDGE HE DID. I attempted to get up quickly to recover the situation. That damn floor - it was so slippery that nobody stood a chance. So I fell again.
Fell twice in the space of twenty seconds.
I rushed to my feet and pelted to the till. She scanned the potato and I threw my pound at her, before pelting it out the door and to the Filous Mobile. She laughed. I did not.

Also, it's so fecking cold in these parts I had to drive with socks on my hands! Please tell me if someone else has done this. PFB laughed a lot when I explained my reasoning behind it - was cold and lacked gloves at time - and she didn't understand! Surely tis better to have a socked hand than a frozen hand?!

I was convinced today that I was working from 1pm - 9pm. In I trot at 12.50pm, ready to start my shift. Manager takes me to back office. Tells me I am 2 hours early, but since I am here, go upstairs and help housekeeping service rooms. Not a happy chappy. Atired... chappy.

So here I am, sat in work, not meant to be using the computers for personal reasons, TIRED, cold, and a dog has been sick on the carpet. (Forgot I had to tell you something. Very loud dog barking in room. Told dog owners to make it be quiet. Asked if I could watch dog til they ate their tea. Obliged - love dogs. Not this one. Was grumpy and spewed. Office now smelling of hot sick and I am working ten hour shift. Directly blaming dog.) Last 24 hours have not been so good for moi! Luckily, myself and my merry men are travelling to Londontown tomorrow to look for a house, so we can finally move away from this hellhole!

Oh, I must inform you, Jizz from fringe has started blogging! She's only done a few entries but I have laughed thus far. Please follow her: http://futurespiceshopowner.blogspot.com/

Keep reading!

Love you
toodles xx

MEN

Just so you know, MEN, you are all emotionally stunted robots. I know I often use this blog for my feminist rants, but you all just PUSH ME OVER THE EGDE! I have eaten an entire packet of biscuits today because I am very highly strung. Perhaps this explains my ranting.

If you are reading this and scared that this may be about you, then it probably is. Sorry.

More laterz.

Love you
toodles xx

GRADUATION

Hello bloggies!

Basically, I had a few of my many fans 'approach' me at my Graduation this Tuesday informing me that they enjoy my blog and I should keep writing. This, therefore, is my next entry. (For the record, I know you love my blog, but as I am so famous I do need my privacy and I don't appreciate fans just hassling me for entries in the street. Thanks.)

So the Monday night before graduation, all of the graduates (or is it graduands? I kept hearing this word and to be honest I haven't the foggiest of the difference between the two) decided to meet up for a celebratory pint in our student local, The Crown. I must admit, I was so very excited to see everybody! I had seen nothing but my stupid flatmates for months (there's only so much ugly gingerness a gal can take) and I was looking forward to some sane company.

Then I remembered I went to University of Cumbria. Sanity is in short supply and is definitely not handed out amongst performing arts students.

I believe it is time to introduce a new character into my blog - one of my greatest fans, in fact. (BY THE WAY I MUST INSERT THIS HERE - MR PRICKLEPANTS NEEDS CONVINCING TO BRING ME MY ANGEL DELIGHT WHICH I PREPARED EARLIER. YOU ARE A SEXY MAN AND I LOVE YOU. FETCH IT ME NOW.) Anyway, our great friend Twinkle Toes left UoC to pursue a career in dance at Laban in London. She walked through the door of The Crown and we all leapt upon her with such happiness! I had forgotten how much I missed her! I think she is most likely still scarred from the incident.
Other people of note who I was extremely happy to see were the other fringies. Especially Chris, my naughty honorary brother.

I shall now run down some notable events from this occasion.

1) Many hats did fall off. I nearly lost mine in the cathedral where a flatmates mum said, "Get your bloody hat on, you're in a place of worship!"

2) I talked during nearly every nice photograph of us all. Most photos have everybody looking gorgeous and smiley, and me scratching my arse and catching flies. With my hat on the floor.

3) You get pictures with people you haven't spoken to for nearly the entirety of your degree, because their mummy wants a picture of lots of people in gowns.

4) To continue, my parents were on a cruise (thank GOD) so I just adopted everyone else's families. It's better that way. You can give them back when you get too pissed.

5) Free wine at the reception after a day of no food is a blessing in disguise. It numbed the pain of talking to annoying people and their families.

6) On the night out, Petit Filous Bear and I shared a toilet cubicle. Due to my drunkeness I thought we had reached that level of friendship where I could poo in front of her. She did not allow this, but permitted me a single expulsion of wind. I did it.
Me: "I've farted."
PFB: "That's disgusting. I didn't realise we were that close, but ok."
Me: "Don't tell anyone."
PFB: "Hurry up and pull your tights up."
Me: "THAT STINKS! OH MY GOD."
PFB: ".........."

7) I did eventually get my poo. I've never pooed on a night out before but I really felt that, as it was my last night out ever in Carlisle, I owed it to the place to leave my mark. Boom boom chhhhhh.

8) Apple sourz. Followed by sambuca. Repeat until dancing to macarena with a double vodka orange in hand and empty bowels.

9) More dancing to such classics such as The Hand Jive and Saturday Night. Very difficult after 17 double vodkas and a dangerously large shit.

10) Jaw ache after smiling for so many photos. I wish I could give another reason for the ache.

11) Drinking cocktails out of a teapot. I don't even use them for tea, let alone cosmopolitans.

12) Trying to get my tongue around "cosmoteapotolitans".

13) Waking up in the morning to a horrendous bank statement and an unshakeable feeling of shame. Followed by Lloyds breakfast and McDonalds in quick succession.


What a wonderful graduation! I shall write more blogs when anything memorable happens in my boring life.

Love you
Toodles xx