Just so you know, MEN, you are all emotionally stunted robots. I know I often use this blog for my feminist rants, but you all just PUSH ME OVER THE EGDE! I have eaten an entire packet of biscuits today because I am very highly strung. Perhaps this explains my ranting.
If you are reading this and scared that this may be about you, then it probably is. Sorry.
More laterz.
Love you
toodles xx
About Me
Saturday, 27 November 2010
Thursday, 25 November 2010
GRADUATION
Hello bloggies!
Basically, I had a few of my many fans 'approach' me at my Graduation this Tuesday informing me that they enjoy my blog and I should keep writing. This, therefore, is my next entry. (For the record, I know you love my blog, but as I am so famous I do need my privacy and I don't appreciate fans just hassling me for entries in the street. Thanks.)
So the Monday night before graduation, all of the graduates (or is it graduands? I kept hearing this word and to be honest I haven't the foggiest of the difference between the two) decided to meet up for a celebratory pint in our student local, The Crown. I must admit, I was so very excited to see everybody! I had seen nothing but my stupid flatmates for months (there's only so much ugly gingerness a gal can take) and I was looking forward to some sane company.
Then I remembered I went to University of Cumbria. Sanity is in short supply and is definitely not handed out amongst performing arts students.
I believe it is time to introduce a new character into my blog - one of my greatest fans, in fact. (BY THE WAY I MUST INSERT THIS HERE - MR PRICKLEPANTS NEEDS CONVINCING TO BRING ME MY ANGEL DELIGHT WHICH I PREPARED EARLIER. YOU ARE A SEXY MAN AND I LOVE YOU. FETCH IT ME NOW.) Anyway, our great friend Twinkle Toes left UoC to pursue a career in dance at Laban in London. She walked through the door of The Crown and we all leapt upon her with such happiness! I had forgotten how much I missed her! I think she is most likely still scarred from the incident.
Other people of note who I was extremely happy to see were the other fringies. Especially Chris, my naughty honorary brother.
I shall now run down some notable events from this occasion.
1) Many hats did fall off. I nearly lost mine in the cathedral where a flatmates mum said, "Get your bloody hat on, you're in a place of worship!"
2) I talked during nearly every nice photograph of us all. Most photos have everybody looking gorgeous and smiley, and me scratching my arse and catching flies. With my hat on the floor.
3) You get pictures with people you haven't spoken to for nearly the entirety of your degree, because their mummy wants a picture of lots of people in gowns.
4) To continue, my parents were on a cruise (thank GOD) so I just adopted everyone else's families. It's better that way. You can give them back when you get too pissed.
5) Free wine at the reception after a day of no food is a blessing in disguise. It numbed the pain of talking to annoying people and their families.
6) On the night out, Petit Filous Bear and I shared a toilet cubicle. Due to my drunkeness I thought we had reached that level of friendship where I could poo in front of her. She did not allow this, but permitted me a single expulsion of wind. I did it.
Me: "I've farted."
PFB: "That's disgusting. I didn't realise we were that close, but ok."
Me: "Don't tell anyone."
PFB: "Hurry up and pull your tights up."
Me: "THAT STINKS! OH MY GOD."
PFB: ".........."
7) I did eventually get my poo. I've never pooed on a night out before but I really felt that, as it was my last night out ever in Carlisle, I owed it to the place to leave my mark. Boom boom chhhhhh.
8) Apple sourz. Followed by sambuca. Repeat until dancing to macarena with a double vodka orange in hand and empty bowels.
9) More dancing to such classics such as The Hand Jive and Saturday Night. Very difficult after 17 double vodkas and a dangerously large shit.
10) Jaw ache after smiling for so many photos. I wish I could give another reason for the ache.
11) Drinking cocktails out of a teapot. I don't even use them for tea, let alone cosmopolitans.
12) Trying to get my tongue around "cosmoteapotolitans".
13) Waking up in the morning to a horrendous bank statement and an unshakeable feeling of shame. Followed by Lloyds breakfast and McDonalds in quick succession.
What a wonderful graduation! I shall write more blogs when anything memorable happens in my boring life.
Love you
Toodles xx
Basically, I had a few of my many fans 'approach' me at my Graduation this Tuesday informing me that they enjoy my blog and I should keep writing. This, therefore, is my next entry. (For the record, I know you love my blog, but as I am so famous I do need my privacy and I don't appreciate fans just hassling me for entries in the street. Thanks.)
So the Monday night before graduation, all of the graduates (or is it graduands? I kept hearing this word and to be honest I haven't the foggiest of the difference between the two) decided to meet up for a celebratory pint in our student local, The Crown. I must admit, I was so very excited to see everybody! I had seen nothing but my stupid flatmates for months (there's only so much ugly gingerness a gal can take) and I was looking forward to some sane company.
Then I remembered I went to University of Cumbria. Sanity is in short supply and is definitely not handed out amongst performing arts students.
I believe it is time to introduce a new character into my blog - one of my greatest fans, in fact. (BY THE WAY I MUST INSERT THIS HERE - MR PRICKLEPANTS NEEDS CONVINCING TO BRING ME MY ANGEL DELIGHT WHICH I PREPARED EARLIER. YOU ARE A SEXY MAN AND I LOVE YOU. FETCH IT ME NOW.) Anyway, our great friend Twinkle Toes left UoC to pursue a career in dance at Laban in London. She walked through the door of The Crown and we all leapt upon her with such happiness! I had forgotten how much I missed her! I think she is most likely still scarred from the incident.
Other people of note who I was extremely happy to see were the other fringies. Especially Chris, my naughty honorary brother.
I shall now run down some notable events from this occasion.
1) Many hats did fall off. I nearly lost mine in the cathedral where a flatmates mum said, "Get your bloody hat on, you're in a place of worship!"
2) I talked during nearly every nice photograph of us all. Most photos have everybody looking gorgeous and smiley, and me scratching my arse and catching flies. With my hat on the floor.
3) You get pictures with people you haven't spoken to for nearly the entirety of your degree, because their mummy wants a picture of lots of people in gowns.
4) To continue, my parents were on a cruise (thank GOD) so I just adopted everyone else's families. It's better that way. You can give them back when you get too pissed.
5) Free wine at the reception after a day of no food is a blessing in disguise. It numbed the pain of talking to annoying people and their families.
6) On the night out, Petit Filous Bear and I shared a toilet cubicle. Due to my drunkeness I thought we had reached that level of friendship where I could poo in front of her. She did not allow this, but permitted me a single expulsion of wind. I did it.
Me: "I've farted."
PFB: "That's disgusting. I didn't realise we were that close, but ok."
Me: "Don't tell anyone."
PFB: "Hurry up and pull your tights up."
Me: "THAT STINKS! OH MY GOD."
PFB: ".........."
7) I did eventually get my poo. I've never pooed on a night out before but I really felt that, as it was my last night out ever in Carlisle, I owed it to the place to leave my mark. Boom boom chhhhhh.
8) Apple sourz. Followed by sambuca. Repeat until dancing to macarena with a double vodka orange in hand and empty bowels.
9) More dancing to such classics such as The Hand Jive and Saturday Night. Very difficult after 17 double vodkas and a dangerously large shit.
10) Jaw ache after smiling for so many photos. I wish I could give another reason for the ache.
11) Drinking cocktails out of a teapot. I don't even use them for tea, let alone cosmopolitans.
12) Trying to get my tongue around "cosmoteapotolitans".
13) Waking up in the morning to a horrendous bank statement and an unshakeable feeling of shame. Followed by Lloyds breakfast and McDonalds in quick succession.
What a wonderful graduation! I shall write more blogs when anything memorable happens in my boring life.
Love you
Toodles xx
Saturday, 16 October 2010
Lesbianism vs. Sex God
Lesbianism is going well.
Was approached by man in gym. Said I looked like I worked very hard. Was very red and sweaty so had to agree, as am currently size of cow. Asked if I'd like to go for a drink some time. Politely declined - if man was asking me on date had to be either blind or stupid - do not want to be responsible for a man with either quality.
Went out on Wednesday night as was Mr. Pricklepants' birthday. Went to a gay club - fab night, but was approached by no lesbians, therefore rendering me unable to fulfil my project requirements. Then Man Child the Sex God asked me today at work how my night out was and if I was fully fledged lesbian yet. Said no, and told him it was none of his business. He laughed and said he was glad. Weird moment again.
Being lezzer very hard.
EEB and I still in touch. Says he is very busy and is why I never hear from him. Very confused as at one point could barely use phone as was constantly ringing me. Think it is very obvious to others and not so obvious to me. Help and answers on a postcard please.
In other news, am no longer on a cake-only diet. Have joined SAINSBURYS DIETS! Am expanding rapidly so have taken drastic measures to lower size of arse.
... Although fell of dietry wagon on Wednesday with 27 double vodkas followed by a Thursday morning hangover fry up. Did not regret a bite. Also had a pick and mix. Literally cannot stay away from sugar.
Love you
Toodles xx
Was approached by man in gym. Said I looked like I worked very hard. Was very red and sweaty so had to agree, as am currently size of cow. Asked if I'd like to go for a drink some time. Politely declined - if man was asking me on date had to be either blind or stupid - do not want to be responsible for a man with either quality.
Went out on Wednesday night as was Mr. Pricklepants' birthday. Went to a gay club - fab night, but was approached by no lesbians, therefore rendering me unable to fulfil my project requirements. Then Man Child the Sex God asked me today at work how my night out was and if I was fully fledged lesbian yet. Said no, and told him it was none of his business. He laughed and said he was glad. Weird moment again.
Being lezzer very hard.
EEB and I still in touch. Says he is very busy and is why I never hear from him. Very confused as at one point could barely use phone as was constantly ringing me. Think it is very obvious to others and not so obvious to me. Help and answers on a postcard please.
In other news, am no longer on a cake-only diet. Have joined SAINSBURYS DIETS! Am expanding rapidly so have taken drastic measures to lower size of arse.
... Although fell of dietry wagon on Wednesday with 27 double vodkas followed by a Thursday morning hangover fry up. Did not regret a bite. Also had a pick and mix. Literally cannot stay away from sugar.
Love you
Toodles xx
Sunday, 10 October 2010
Lesbianism vs Photocopier
Good evening.
A few eventful things happened during Day Two of Lezzergate. I am struggling to push myself into having lezzer tendancies - it is quite a difficult thing. Two of my friends are a lesbian couple and they make it look very easy. I must discuss said plan with them as soon as possible, perhaps they could give me tips.
Anyway anyway, today my 'project' was put to the 'test'. Was standing in back office at work, photocopying labels. Phone rang. Woman wanted to order champagne. "Hang on a second madam, will transfer you to restaurant". Did. Carried on copying. Young 18 year old whom I have recently ended an arrangement with (let us call him Man Child - MC?) came into office. Asked me to make him a label for champagne. Agreed. Both standing in tense silence next to copier. Him standing very close to me. Was very tense. Belly making funny movements. Like something out of film I turned around to give him copied label and was face to chest. Very nice chest - remembered it from 'arrangement'. Looked up. MC looked down. Awkward, tense moment. Stood in silence for few seconds (possibly few mintues, hours, days... felt like too long anyway). Then MC thanked me and left office. Was left feeling not lezzer inclined in slightest, and in desperate need of a ride. Most unfortunate.
I am not cut out to be a lesbian. I will persevere though - must remember that I am off men as they are very silly things who either can't keep it in their pants or won't get it out of pants.
Perhaps me being lezzer will not help me through my pain, as am not so inclined. Maybe should take up a hobby - pottery or clay pigeon shooting. Most likely that neither will be a successful experience as don't like to stick hands in wet crap and cannot aim, as discovered on Wii Archery, or some other rubbish game.
Ah, well. I will keep trying to trick myself into fancying ladies. Helpful tips and tricks on a postcard, please.
Love you
Toodles xx
A few eventful things happened during Day Two of Lezzergate. I am struggling to push myself into having lezzer tendancies - it is quite a difficult thing. Two of my friends are a lesbian couple and they make it look very easy. I must discuss said plan with them as soon as possible, perhaps they could give me tips.
Anyway anyway, today my 'project' was put to the 'test'. Was standing in back office at work, photocopying labels. Phone rang. Woman wanted to order champagne. "Hang on a second madam, will transfer you to restaurant". Did. Carried on copying. Young 18 year old whom I have recently ended an arrangement with (let us call him Man Child - MC?) came into office. Asked me to make him a label for champagne. Agreed. Both standing in tense silence next to copier. Him standing very close to me. Was very tense. Belly making funny movements. Like something out of film I turned around to give him copied label and was face to chest. Very nice chest - remembered it from 'arrangement'. Looked up. MC looked down. Awkward, tense moment. Stood in silence for few seconds (possibly few mintues, hours, days... felt like too long anyway). Then MC thanked me and left office. Was left feeling not lezzer inclined in slightest, and in desperate need of a ride. Most unfortunate.
I am not cut out to be a lesbian. I will persevere though - must remember that I am off men as they are very silly things who either can't keep it in their pants or won't get it out of pants.
Perhaps me being lezzer will not help me through my pain, as am not so inclined. Maybe should take up a hobby - pottery or clay pigeon shooting. Most likely that neither will be a successful experience as don't like to stick hands in wet crap and cannot aim, as discovered on Wii Archery, or some other rubbish game.
Ah, well. I will keep trying to trick myself into fancying ladies. Helpful tips and tricks on a postcard, please.
Love you
Toodles xx
Saturday, 9 October 2010
Getting off to a slow, sleepy start
Have perhaps fallen at first hurdle. Saw man with very tight trousers on and could not stop staring at excellent set of buttocks. Must start staring at ladies now instead.
My lesbian awakening
Bonsoir.
Yes, you read this correctly. With regards to my previous man-hating blog, I have decided that I simply cannot cope with their ways any longer. After having a brief fling (there was certainly a great deal of 'flinging') with an 18 year old waiter, I realised that I am still oh so alone and hung up on EEB, and something MUST. BE. DONE.
Obviously, my only decision is to become a lesbian.
We now commence the stage in my life where I document my lesbian exploits and such. I doubt I will have such lesbian experiences that are found in pornography materials, but nonetheless, I must venture on in my quest for happiness and fulfilment.
Stay tuned, readers. I am determined to stick this one out - maybe I shall find the love of my life on my travels (be it male, female... or Mr. Pricklepants.)
Love you
Toodles xx
Yes, you read this correctly. With regards to my previous man-hating blog, I have decided that I simply cannot cope with their ways any longer. After having a brief fling (there was certainly a great deal of 'flinging') with an 18 year old waiter, I realised that I am still oh so alone and hung up on EEB, and something MUST. BE. DONE.
Obviously, my only decision is to become a lesbian.
We now commence the stage in my life where I document my lesbian exploits and such. I doubt I will have such lesbian experiences that are found in pornography materials, but nonetheless, I must venture on in my quest for happiness and fulfilment.
Stay tuned, readers. I am determined to stick this one out - maybe I shall find the love of my life on my travels (be it male, female... or Mr. Pricklepants.)
Love you
Toodles xx
Friday, 8 October 2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)