Chris wanks in toilet avec laptop

Good day!

Apologies again for lack of blog - I have been vair vair busy and cannot summon up the energy to blog.
It seems we have a lot of catching up to do! I will try my best to remember everything.

It seems I may have given up blogging when I got drunk. Llody, Jizz and I went out for a night on the lash, and Llody, being a wonderful conversationalist, got talking to a random girl who works for the venue. She followed us around for most of the night, sparking off wonderings of whether or not she was barking up the incorrect tree in reference to Llody. This made us laugh a lot. However, in an intriguing turn of events, she is infact a lesbian who decided to be in love with JIZZ! Excellent. This provided much mirth.

We then put on our dancing footwear and travelled through the street in search of a nightclub. We came across the Hive, hole of Edinburgh and the place where neds go to die and drink tequilla. I got elbowed in the face and left.

We left the lesbian in the club, and then went to Opium. I saw two goths having sex under a pool table and then decided it was time I went home.

We did.

Llody: When I am drunk in a taxi with my friends, we call the taxi driver Rumplestiltskin. May we call you Rumplestiltskin?

Taxi Driver: How about Rapunzel? Heh heh.

Llody: No. Rumplestiltskin is fine.

Taxi Driver: Eh... aye, awright then. That's ten pounds ninety please.

Jodie: Jizz and I have a tenner, Llody. Do you have ninety pence?

Llody: *throws money at glass screen* Take your eleventy pounds, Rumplestiltskin! *skips off into the night*

Excellent.

Other things that we has done on our holidays:

1) Went to see The Ginge, The Geordie and The Geek. We laughed a bit and I ate an apple and got my picture taken with a cow.

2) Chris moved into the campervan and had a wank in the showers. Told us later. We were a bit sick.

3) Had another night out and watched an Indian film outside. Llody was racist and we went home with paella (not a person).

4) Went to see Naked Splendour and drew a fat, naked man. Did not see penis. Only extra skin. Did draw good pictures though.

5) Had two cupcakes. One chocolate, one carrot. Carrot was rubbish. Chocolate was yummy.

6) Wore a pretty dress to town one day. Went for lunch with Jizz and dropped tomato-covered prawns on pretty dress. Now minging dress.

7) Ugly Ginger fell down backstage. Laughed A LOT and gave myself a headache. Went for a wee and missed the bows.

8) BOUGHT A FILOFAX!

9) Got too excited about stationary.

10) Played charades with Llody. He was totally shit so we laughed at him for approx. 20mins.

11) Had a fight with a lady over a free cup of tea (if you're reading, bitch, I'm not giving you 75-fucking-p for a cup of hot water).

12) Had at least 783 crepes and nutella.

13) Took Llody to see a musical. He liked it a lot.

14) Got free ginger beer from a party bus. Ugly Ginger looked like my nan at a wedding. Tried to leave her on bus. She found us.

15) Chris peed in a lucozade bottle. It is still on shelf.

16) Discovered Chris has a Boots meal deal every day. Scorns us when we do not get one.

17) Chased a dog into a hedge. Owner turned up. Made us watch while it caught sticks. Awkward, as I had just shouted that it was shitting in the bushes.

18) Ugly Ginger bought a banana guard (we thought it was a sexual device)

19) Chris took a picture of his pubes on my camera when drunk. Found next day. Was sick.

20) Emptied wee out of campervan. Ugly Ginger spilled on shoes. Was VAIR funny.

I hope to keep entertaining you!

Love you

Toodles xx

Day Five - the cow licking incident

Hello everyone!

I'm sure you're all extremely intrigued about the blog title. And don't you worry - it's a good 'un.
We were walking to get our bus yesterday morning in preparation for another full day of flyering and we walked past the field with the two highland cows in. We decided to be all touristy and get our picture taken with the cows. If you've not seen a highland cow before, I'll put a picture on my blog - they're gorgeous!
Anyway, we were standing there, posing for our photos, and a cow bent down, stuck its head through the fence, and licked ALL THE WAY up Llody's leg. It was the best moment of my life, and we were hit by a stroke of luck because I caught it on camera!! Excellent. I'll upload some Edinburgh photos up on to the blog soon.

So then we got into Edinburgh, and again went flyering on the mile. We were so hyper, that it seemed that we were physically - and mentally - unable to sell the show, so were screaming things like, 'PERFECT SHREDDER TESTER!', and 'EXCELLENT FREE BIN LINER!'

We decided to go and see a show on at C Venues called 'Sordid Lives' - it's set in Texas and centres around the death of an elderly lady who's had a sexual encounter with a young woman's husband. Sort of like a tacky Eastenders. Long story short, it was horrific - the tech was awful, for one thing. The best thing in it was a drag queen miming to Tammy Wynette, which says something, I feel.

Off we trotted to Pizza Hut. We had a lovely tea. Our other techie, Jizz, walked in on an old Chinese lady having a wee. Much laughter.

Then on with the show! We had an even BIGGER audience, and it went incredibly well. It was a huge comfort to see our tutor in the audience too - I think that gave us the support we needed. Not only that, but the Young Dads came to watch! They are the most beautiful people I think I've ever seen.

To complete a great day, we played Jenga over a couple of ciders, and fell asleep.

Keep reading, and thanks for the support!

Love you

Toodles xx

This is the part where we dance

Morning campers!

Well, it was opening night last night and the average audience is meant to be 3.

We had 30!!! And, The Scotsman came to review us! It was the best it could have gone, and we really couldn't have done it without so much support from everyone, and we really are eternally grateful!

Anyway, Llody decided to show us his sex face in a rather boring moment in a bar pre-show. We questioned it, and he said "well, I can't control myself during a state of euphoria". I do love him.

We also met the Young Dads again last night, and they're coming to see us tonight, before going out for some drinks. Llody has brought his best frock to wear, and we are all very excited.

I had a crepe yesterday that had nutella in it from the C Venues bar - it was delicious! If any of you are coming to see us, go to the C Bar on Chambers Street before the show and get one - you won't regret it!

Sorry this has been a bit short, I'll do a good one tomorrow :) love you

Toodles xx

Day Three - Llody goes into the studio

Morning bloggies!

We had an absolute ball yesterday - mostly because of Llody. He woke himself up by making a loud, sexual noise in his sleep - God only knows what he was dreaming out. Maybe the hot man he met in the toilets, who knows. We went to Fringe Central, which is fucking MILES across Edinburgh, and sorted out all the press and marketing shizzle, before having our dinner and being general layabouts for about two hours, after our late night previous.

We also bought tickets for Showstoppers - the improvised musical - for Tuesday, so I'll let you know how that goes.
Anyway then we went to our venue to sort out some bits and bobs for opening night, and hilarity ensued. This is where I feel I must explain to you about Llody.

Llody firmly believes that he is in the cast of Chicago, and decided that he would perform a little dance number in the middle of the box office, which included the lines, "we go, into the starjumps, then Llody goes, into the studio..." And so on. This provoked much staring and annoyance from other audience members which made us laugh even more!

High and giddy from Llody's entertainment, we decided to use our C Venues passes (which get us free into C Venues shows) to go and see The Young Dads - a comedy musical duo. Ugly Ginger and I had met a cast member yestrday - a man from Boston called Micah, who, in my personal opinion, had an extremely gorgeous accent and face on him. So off we trotted, and we enjoyed them very much. So much, that we bought their CD and are going out for drinks with them next week.

Note to bloggies: their show is right before ours at 7.20pm in the same venue, so go see them and bask in their gorgeousness.

All of the team then returned to the caravan, where Llody just rambled on again with his beautiful tales of his musical life - comparing himself to Jessica Rabbit, as he pokes his leg out of his sleeping bag as she does with her dress - and a marathon length of giggling fits presented itself, rendering us useless for a good 45 minutes.

It was then time to give Chris and his lady friend - Mrs Chris - a lift home. As I am still angry from the event - and it is nearly time to alight the bus - I shall make this brief.

We got lost.

For two hours.

I cried. Lots.

I then booted them out the car and demanded they get a taxi before I killed them.

And then I went to sleep.

So here we are, on Day Four and opening night!

Stay tuned to see how it goes for Honeybus Productions, and a continued thanks for all your support and kind messages!
Keep reading!

Love you

Toodles xx

Day Two - tramps, blood and rock and roll

Morning campers!

The sun has risen on day three in camp fringe - actually, it rose before we even went to bed. We had our dress rehearsal last night. Half twelve til half four. Let me tell you, THAT was an experience. First, however, we must not be keen beans and you must listen to my tales of the day.

We awoke, eager to get into Edinburgh and pick up our flyers and programmes. We had a little bit of sorting of props to do first. Ugly Ginger and I had to find some alcohol for our chav sketch, and ever so luckily, Hot Homo - our techie - found a bottle of Merlot in the van - excellent! Obviously, what with Ugly Ginger being Ugly Ginger, she had to double check this for herself, which provoked her to say, "oh thank God! Is it red merlot?" What a dick.

So then off we ventured to get the bus, our hearts bursting with anticipation and our heads filled with expectations.

First stop, to collect our bus passes for the week. Nothing interesting happened there.

Then we went to C Venues and collected our passes which get us in for free to shows at C Venues and get us cheap alcohol. Much hilarity then ensued. I shall let you into a secret - Hot Homo's real name is Lloyd. They had named him LLody. Excellent. That is now his name.

So we had a wander around the Royal Mile, seeing many interesting sights, and stopped for lunch in Hunters Square at a little cafe called Chocolate Soup.

It is here that I must express my love for all things chocolatey. But I'm sure you already knew this. I had the most beautiful chicken and vegetable soup with a chicken salad roll. I felt like the happiest person on Earth, what with all the flavours and things. AND THEN... I had a brownie. And it was no ordinary brownie. It was a chocolatey, rich, soft, sumptuous, creamy brownie, drizzled in dark and white chocolate, with malteasers and smarties on top. If I had died at that very moment, I would have died a very happy girl indeed.

Then we met Chris and our publicity and marketing manager, Posh Totty Wade. We had a wander around the Royal Mile and decided to queue for tickets to see "The Ginge, The Geordie and The Geek", a comedy trio who Ugly Ginger and I had been to see the previous year. After waiting for an hour, we discovered they were sold out. Fuck my life.
However, it wasn't wasted time. We had Ugly Ginger coin some moronic wonderings such as, "Jodie, what's a troupe? Is it three people? How d'you say it, is it troupay?"

Then we came back and did some food shopping, then headed off to rehearsal. Everything that could have gone wrong, went wrong. It is now that I come to the next segment in my blog:

Things They Don't Tell You In The Edinburgh Fringe Handbook

1) You will see a smashed beer bottle with blood pouring from it, and if Llody is there, he will say, "I didn't realise Becks was crimson."

2) There are tramps in Edinburgh. 97% of them have dogs - most often, terriers.

3) One of said tramps will be waiting in a wheelchair with a non-disabled accomplice, whilst they rake through the bins.

4) The venue you are rehearsing in is a sweaty shit tip.

5) You will argue.

6) Things will go horrifically wrong, and Ugly Ginger and I will be backstage, hiding, stuffing our faces with doughnuts.

7) If you use a fat suit in your piece, it will go missing, and you will search the venue high and low for it for hours. Only for it to be in the toilet of your campervan.

8) If you are returning from your rehearsal at 5am, Ugly Ginger will attempt to break into the caravan like a criminal, and the security alarm WILL go off.

I hope this has been a merry read. Keep reading and showing your support! Love you

Toodles xx

The fatty has landed

So here we are. The day has finally come. We have landed in Edinburgh at the Fringe Festival... And I have already cracked open the biscuits. Excellent.

I had to work a 7am-3pm shift yesterday morning (ugh) and then drive straight here to check in at the campsite. And for fellow fatties, I feel it is my duty to let you know that we went to this amazing little pub on the campsite called the Stable Bar that does epic food, and I had chicken and ham pie - officially Edinburgh's ambrosia.

Anyway, we checked in, set up the campervan, and Ugly Ginger, Mr. Pricklepants and I went off to see Shappi Khorshandi at the Pleasance Courtyard. And we were 15 minutes late. We missed the bus, had to leg it across Edinburgh in the PISSING rain (as I misjudged the stops and got off three to early out of fear) and had to get hurried in through the backdoor. You might think this was exciting. It was not. Anyway she was good, blah blah funny blah.


Then we visited C Venues, the building where we are performing. Officially terrified, by the way. It's just show after show. And everyone is walking about with scary faces, plugging their shows and generally being pushy. We're going to have to do this, and this is why I am glad I'm working with the ultimate force that is Ugly Ginger - pushy, ruthless and determined, she will drag the audience in by their hair. Excellent.

I shall make sure to keep you all updated with Fringe related things, food I've had and other tales.

I shall end on one thing.

Lloyd - "I want to be taken to a haggissery."

(we can get haggis, neeps and tatties for a fiver beside our venue.)

Please support us at the Fringe! I promise I will provide cups of tea and cake for well-wishers.

Toodles xx

Yawn and such things

Good evening readers,

Apologies for the lack of posts recently - very busy times have begun! We are well on our way to having everything ready for the Edinburgh Fringe and it has been knackering, not to mention full time work ALSO, but the less said about work work work the better, and more about fun things!

So. Last night, Ugly Ginger, Mr Pricklepants, Petit Filous Bear, Chris, Kent Fancy and I went to this Turkish restaurant last night. I had this lamb thing with mash and rice. Kleftiko I think it's called, and OH MY GOD. Waaaaaaw. It's all I can think about. We also had shisha - raspberry to be exact. Anyway, it was lovely and I got very pissed. Excellent time all around.

The chavvy flatmates kicked off last night and all. They were shouting and screaming and throwing plates, and not in a good, Greek celebratory way. In an angry, violent, I-might-kill-you way. But anyway, I can't be arsed.

Now, this has been short and slightly rude, I expect, but I am EXHAUSTED. Pinky promise I'll give you a good one soon, stalkers.

Toodles xxx